Gibbs Outed as Republican Mole

Michael Collins
(Satire)

White House Press Secretary, Robert “the mole” Gibbs, was outed last night for his lead role in throwing the 2010 congressional election to the Republican Party. The White House refused to return calls to comment on the charge or verify the outline of the carefully orchestrated plot. But a variety of off the record sources spoke as one – the plot is real and has been going on long before the 2008 general election. The scope of the plot goes well beyond the upcoming congressional contests.

In a recent interview for The Hill newspaper, Gibbs used an entirely new technique in election tactics – offend and humiliate a key element of your voting block right before a critical election.  Gibbs ridiculed progressives as part of the “Professional Left” and said, “They will be satisfied when we have Canadian health care and we’ve eliminated the Pentagon. That’s not reality.” Research indicates that this approach has never been used within 90 days of a general election.

But the story goes much deeper than simple electoral politics. The planned outburst has a short term benefit for Republicans but, as we will see, Gibbs is reporting to a higher authority.

The typically accommodating and occasionally witty Gibbs presents a solid image as the sincere spokesman for President Barack Obama.  He fields questions, smiles, and looks sincere when he tells reporters that he’ll get back to them with answers that  he lacks at the moment.  Beneath that affable exterior lies a true agent of change, in the worst sense of the term.

Original documents obtained from the encrypted Wikileaks Insurance file reveal the sordid tale. As a child, Gibbs grew up in the hill country near Alabama’s Auburn University. This was the last known staging area for occult master, Robert DeGrimston, the man who trained Charles Manson. Known as The Teacher, DeGrimston recognized that young Gibbs had special talents. More importantly, he saw a cold mean streak that made Gibbs the perfect pupil and future architect of chaos.

Gibbs learned the secret history of the world and special mind control techniques by studying ancient Egyptian texts, the Illuminati collections, and hitherto unreleased manuscripts from the Mayan civilization. Over time the pupil outpaced the teacher causing Gibbs to visit and study with the elite of European cults, including the Bilderberg group, the Club of Rome, and the Knights Templar. (Image: Gibbs personal coat of arms)

Having mastered the dark arts, Gibbs took on his first high profile assignment for the shadow world government, communications director for John Kerry’s ill fated 2004 presidential campaign. Gibbs made sure that the race stayed close, despite the public revulsion with Bush. A former Gibbs associate, who has since been deprogrammed, said, “It was no accident that the Kerry campaign remained silent to the Swift Boat smears. Gibbs wrote the damn smears!”

In another revealing chapter from 2004, Gibbs created an ad attacking Howard Dean as an inept opponent for the then dead Osama bin Laden. Gibbs was the spokesman for the ad sponsor, Americans for Jobs, Health Care and Progressive Values.

In just one campaign cycle, Gibbs had tomb-stoned the only progressive in the field and assured that candidate Kerry was so far down after the swiftboating, there could be no recovery.

These moves attracted the attention of another DeGrimston pupil, Rahm Emanual. Gibbs came on as the Obama’s communications director and worked his special brand of magic. He saw to it that candidate Obama returned to the Capitol in late  September, 2008 to save the Wall Street bailout, which had suffered a resounding defeat just days earlier. All the while, the devious Gibbs made sure that Obama left enough progressive crumbs on the campaign trail to trick the people into thinking he would work in their interests.

Once in power, Obama relied more and more on Gibbs. Emanuel’s supposed carping at the president and planned ouster were pure Gibbs fabrications to curry favor with “the boss.” Among Gibbs’ many achievements are the appointment of Timothy Geithner as Secretary of the Treasury, the defeat of the foreclosure relief bill, and the ceding of United States sovereignty over coastal waters to BP.

Gibbs dominates Obama’s schedule and has become the  “job coach in chief” who deals with Obama’s frequent periods of malaise. A White House insider reports hearing Gibbs exhort Obama before his major speech on expanding the war in Afghanistan:   “Who cares if you took that money, you’re doing the right thing. Get the Hell up to West Point and sell the damn war. You can do it! You’re the one!”

The recent uncharacteristic public display of his core being is the only misstep in a remarkable career. Silence is golden and that’s the key goal of Robert Gibbs as he and his patrons usher in a new world order of universal serfdom.

END

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